Truth?

If a Presidential Candidate ever told the truth, would they get elected?

If hands could speak

What would your hands tell you? Are you good to them? Do they have scars?

Perhaps they would tell you to get a manicure? Maybe a massage?

I think mine would tell me leave the garbage industry for good.

Whatever the situation, always remember, your hands could be people too

'SO', my favorite word

The magic word today is SO. It's a two letter, intensifying word! It's amazing how this word changes any word to much higher standard.

For example, I could tell you that I went outside in the rain and got wet, or tell you that I got SO wet.

What good is it to tell you that my date was hot, when I could tell you that she was SO hot!

"Dude, that Metallica concert was worth it!" WHAT!? Don't demean a great concert! Use SO "Dude, that Metallica concert was SO worth it!" That's better

I want to be fired

So far I've had 10 jobs in my life, but I haven't been fired from a single one. Most people I know try to do everything they can to not get fired, I'm just the opposite. I try so hard, I really do! I end up getting those jobs that are so desperate that no matter what you do they brush it off; "Oh you ran a truck into building 3? Ha ha, Jake you're so funny."

What's wrong people?! What does a guy have to do to get fired around here!? It's time that I go on strike, I'll run around with picket signs yelling "WHAT DO I WANT? TO BE FIRED! WHEN DO I WANT IT? HOW BOUT NOW! However knowing my bosses they'll look at me and say, now stop that or we'll write a report on you. Excuse me? I just can't win, or in the case, I just can't lose

Convenience=Problems

Man has tried so hard to filter out every single problem in humans lives. Good job. But by so doing we run into more problems. It seems that life keeps balancing itself out with junk.

We created cars to prevent long distances of walking, but now we got gas prices, insurance, repairs, safety and emissions tests, tire and oil changes, other reckless drivers under alcohol fatigue carelessness or all combined. But hey, we don't have to walk anymore!

Politics, the law used to be 'Every man for himself', but now we have laws to protect and give us equal opportunities. The bad news?...*ahem*...let's just say that I feel safer walking into a New York alley at night than a politician's integrity

A Fine Doctor Indeed

So I went to the doctor today, she was really nice. She listened, she wasn't writing a prescription while I was talking, she told about my diet, and that was it.

I walked out of the room feeling like I finally found a cool doctor.

Well, they gave me my bill and THAT'S when I found out why they were 'special'

A dream of something...different

"When I become poor, I'm shaking the golden dust of my $700 shoes. That's right, it's going to be Microwavable Dinners, and powdered lemonade every night. No more of this sleeping in a bed the size of a car, nope, it's going to be a mattress and a pillow."

"You think you can stop me? Tough, I'll be poorer than you could imagine! I don't care what you or anybody else tells me, I'm going to do this! I'll get me a job shoveling dirt, flipping hamburgers, or be a teacher. I know what I want, and that's that!" Said Bill Gates jr. to his father.

Those Tired Times

Do you ever notice that when you get tired you talk a lot of nonsense? It always starts with uncompleted sentences, such as "Hey did you see that one thing about...?"

Then laughing comes into play, whatever you say becomes 10 times funnier, "Hey guys, I got red socks on my feet! Har ha ha ha ha!!!"

Of course the gibberish takes over next; it's a lot slower, your eyes are barely open, and you can't sit still, "Man, what does a guy have to do to get special soda around here? You know the kind where it ain't too bad, but it's cool, and you drink it and you're like...wow. Yeah, that special soda, from Connecticut."

Finally, you get a mixture of the three, "HA HA HA, your mom eats cow! In fact, she's like a vacuum, she can...ha ha ha! But she didn't because...ha ha ha!"

Well, that's my report on being tired, join me next time when I speak about...*snore*

A tagged Jake in a box

I got tagged by Boocherhix, the challenge is to grap the closest book, open to page 123, and write the 5th sentence. Well, here's mine "What about you? Kay asked." From the God-father

I hereby tag Adam Borg, and the next person to view this blog (but not Boocherhix)

Worst Image

One of the worst images in the world is a full moon! You know what I'm talking about

Heaven and Hell

I hear a lot of people say There's no heaven or hell, I figure they're saying that they know they're not going to heaven so they don't want admit that they're going to hell.

Hey, I can't blame them, hell is a horrible place. A land of darkness, fire and brimstone, old dictators, low budget film makers, politicians, in laws, guys who don't stop with the chicken crossing the road jokes, Ben Affleck, no TV, and the list goes on.

So yeah, if I wasn't going to Heaven I would say there's no heaven or hell. Yeah I said it

Public Notice

Remember kids, this what happens when you don't eat your vegetables

The Late Talk

Boss: Dude...yeah um...you're late again

Dude: You're right I am, thanks for noticing

Boss: You know we've talked about this

Dude: Trust me, no one knows that better than me

Boss: Then what's keeping ya?

Dude: Ha! Wouldn't you like to know!

Boss: I'm serious, if this keeps happening, I'll have to...write a report! I will!

Dude: A report? Wow...that sounds...serious

Boss: Forget it. What are WE going to do to keep this from happening?

Dude: Well I guess I can...hold on, whose we?

Boss: Just answer the question

Dude: You don't live with me! Are you publicly announcing that we're together?

Boss: What are you talking about? I have a husband and kids

Dude: Oh that's just makes it worse! I can't believe you're suggesting this!

Boss: Huh? No I'm just saying...

Dude: I'm reporting you to H.R.!

Boss: No, just pretend I didn't say anything, I don't want any trouble

Dude: ...well, ok. Same time tomorrow then?

Boss: GET OUT!

I love dealerships!

The salesmen at the car dealership are so nice. First of all, they save you the trouble of talking, they do it for you, like; "What you REALLY want is...", "This is the kind of deal you need", and "I can see you're excited about this". Isn't it great? I don't to say a single word there!

Second of all, they don't want your money, they just want you to sign papers! How easy is that? Suckers, I left the lot with a brand new car, and they said no money down and no payments! ...wait, what was that 6 months period thing? And the 10% apr crud? Oh well, it was probably about their family reunion or something

Soap Opera gone...truthful

"So why are you dating me? Is it because I'm rich? Smart? Beautiful?"

"No, actually I'm trying to get closer to your mom"

When worse comes to worse

A bum on the street asked me if I had any money to give him. Well I couldn't lie, so I kicked him in the crotch and ran for it

Your Stupidity, My Reality

Next time someone tells you to stop doing something because your not doing it right, tell them that you're the ONLY one doing it right

It's not my fault

Don't hate me! All I did was drink your soda...then spilled it on your couch...so I tried to clean it off, but I ACCIDENTLY mixed up the fabric cleaner with bleach. But I promise I went a store to see if they could fix it, but I didn't see that car coming, and well the couch was destroyed, but I'm fine (in case you were wondering). So this is is the truth, I went to a furniture store to find you a new couch, but it was too far so I HAD to borrow your car, it was just going to be an hour. But I ran a red light, ON ACCIDENT, and that cop saw me. I panicked, I wasn't thinking straight, I have a ton of unpaid tickets, so I knew they would have arrested me. Oh don't look at me like that, the chase didn't last that long, but I had to ditch the car, although they found it, saw that it was your car, but HEY, it's not my fault they arrested you, just because it was your car. Hey, they found out you were innocent, and I told you I would pay the holding fee for your car...although I didn't know that I had your credit card, I'll you back I promise! And I already said that I'd be going on a date that night, so you had to have known that I was going to use your car again. But I promise that I did NOT see that black Honda, it was dark out! So what, I totaled your car! It's not my fault! Besides, I didn't know I was dating your mom!

Discriminate

I went to a discrimination awareness meeting, and we all introduced ourselves. You can't help but to feel sorry for those who are victims of such an awful crime. For example, we had a zombie there, he was in tears (well actually blood was running from his eyes) when he told us that people will shoot, stab and/or beat him when walks up to somebody and WANTS to ask for directions. He's so stereotyped, it's not fair, not ALL zombies want to eat our brains.

Then there was a ghost who said that people will freak out when people see her, she was just looking around her old house, to catch up on old memories, and sure enough, people were screaming and carrying on. I felt so bad, I went to give her a hug, but I fell through her, it was kind of embarrassing, but she said "It's the thought that counts."

God was there too, but for some reason nobody was paying attention to him (except me). He was saying that so many people ignores him, forgets him, and never talks to him, but when something bad happens he gets blamed for it. So he sent his son to teach everyone how they should live, how they could receive blessings from listening to and living the commandments, and especially suffering for their sins, but he was killed by the people who were listening to him. As he continued, everybody else got louder. He finally said that he wants everyone to return to him, but by then he realized that no one was paying attention. He left soon after that.

I felt bad because I didn't say anything to anybody. I didn't stand for God. When I left the building, I saw God trying to wave down a Taxi, but nobody was stopping. I ran up to him and apologized for not speaking up for him. He smiled at me, which was THE most amazing smile I've ever seen. But I was still curious. "God?" I asked "Is it really worth it to do all that you've done, doing, will do for people who don't care?" He looked at me and said, "If you're the only one, then it was more than worth it."

Cursed Sleep

Why do I have to sleep? I want to do what I want to do! My body has been telling me what to do for TOO long. I think that I...no, we...no THE WHOLE COUNTRY should come together and protest this never ending control over us! It's time to take stand, to show our bodies that we're tired of being tired! Our bodies will fight, but we will fight harder! HA HA HA! Victory will be ours! Our bodies will have to listen to us!

I would get started now but I have to eat

Gas

It's amazing how many people complain about gas prices when I know so many who give of their's freely

Depressed?

Are you depressed? Well have I got a deal for you! For only $93.75 I will give you my informative guide on how to overcome it! There are programs like eating a tub of ice cream, the silence treatment, and my favorite, dressing up like a goth! You will learn how to use these and other great activities to get you out of the dumps and back to the top where we belong! And if you're not satisfied (*chuckle*), sucker!

I saw an ad for UVSC today (Utah Valley State College), and it said "Proven Fact: UVSC grads make more money" So I thought, make more money than what? Other college grads, telephone repairmen, McDonald's employees, the President of the United States?

Plus they had a hot chick on the advertisement, I've been going to UVSC for over a year now, and I haven't seen a girl like that! Well actually I did, but she was married.

You got to...!

I have nothing against watching movies, it's great way to waste time that I'm already wasting. But why must people come to me and "You GOT to watch this movie because blah blah blah..." Since when did humankind become dependent on movies? I watch movies to escape, not to get addicted.

I hate it when I finally get sucked in and it turns out to be a HORRIBLE movie (eg. Ghostrider). I was made fun of for years for not watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so I finally bought them and tried to watch them in one sitting. I enjoyed them yes, but the hype surpassed the movie by far, so instead of seeing what everybody else saw (action, adventure, fantasy), I saw gay hobbits who couldn't stop looking at each other for long periods of time. I thought to myself, I got to watch this?

When I grow up...

When I grow up I want to be the president! Oh wait, you have to lie cheat and steal to become president, I don't want that. Maybe an astronaut! Hold on, hold on, they have to be pilots and take years of training both mental and physical that could make any normal human go insane. What about those guys who're in real estate? Up from sunrise to sunset begging people to buy your house so that you can eat? No thank you. Hey, what about an actor? Hmm...tabloids, weight perfection, wear what they tell me to wear, psychological damage from missing out of a normal life...ouch, I'll pass. A cop, definitely a cop! Oh yeah, bullies, bullets, bums, and paperwork.

Is there any work available that doesn't require work?

Us Ugly People

TV, news, magazines, internet, and the general public are all telling us that we can only be accepted if we're beautiful and handsome. So those of us who are ugly accept that and we just try to stay at home, not a problem right? WRONG! For those of us who go to school have truant officers after us, and after that we're living on our own so we need to get out and get a job.

Believe us, we're not trying to gain attention, we just want to please everyone. But the hiring manager won't hire us because we're ugly! We can't good grades from the teacher because we're ugly (even though we scored 100% on the test). World, if you really want us to stop showing our ugly faces in public, then keep us in our homes.

The worst thing is when the same TV channel ridicules a celebrity who's gained a few pounds, then talks about how great this one girl is for winning the pretty contest even though she's 100 pounds overweight. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

Giving

We hear all the time that we should give to others. Well before I can give I need to receive

Offense

I've read about racist discriminating people who have no respect. Laws were made to protect the victims from such hate. AWESOME. But the more laws we get, the more offense seems to come out of nowhere. You can't say phrases like "you people...", "girls always...", "I hate people who talk like..." Which is still good to make laws about that, but many times it's innocent.

I find it now SO hard to keep from not offending someone, that you offend them by trying to show them you're not being offensive. "What? There's nothing wrong with you people", "Oh no, I meant that girls DON'T always do that", "I love everybody who talks like...".

Just shoot me

Observing

People say you can learn so much by observing other people. So think how much MORE you can learn by observing other people who are observing other people! Next time a Police Car speeds by, observe how many people will stare at it like something incredible is about to happen. When a child screams at her mother, look at everyone else who is staring at the child and her mother, like as if they are going to duke it out like on Ultimate Wrestling Power House Group!

People teach us much, but staring nosy rubberneckers teach us more

Obsession

It's no secret that a lot of people will do ANYTHING to make money! It's an obsession. But why don't people have an obsession to make pancakes. They could get up early in the morning and return late at night from making pancakes!

When your wife asks you why you don't spend time with her, say "I'm doing this for you." You would go to your High School Reunion to talk with all your old "buddies" about how many pancakes you make in a day. You could laugh at those who only make a few dozen, and be jealous of Frank Frankson who still has the record of 37,500 pancakes in one day.

News Reports would be all on the guy who went to IHop and stole 4 dozen pancakes, "No suspect has been apprehended yet." We'll hear the heart warming story of Microsoft donating 3 million pancakes to Children with Acne Rejection and Ego issues of Africa (C.A.R.E.).

Then there's the college bachelor, "I can't get a girlfriend until I get pancakes"

Life

Life is too short, so get a job you hate to make life last A LOT LONGER

Words of...

The person who said "Man was meant to govern the Earth", never met Hilary Clinton

Bus Privacy

So I was on the bus one day and I was the only passenger. Eventually we picked up another person. I wasn't paying attention because I was focused on the Tetris game on my cell. Our new passenger walked toward me, stopped, then sat down to the seat right next to me.

I got excited, thinking that if someone sat beside me on an empty bus, it had to be someone I knew. I looked up from my very busy (and very important) Tetris game to see who it was. I smiled really big for my welcome speech, but then realized that he was nobody I knew or recognized. He got comfortable, and I scanned him up and down. He looked at me real quick, grinned slightly, then looked forward.

I couldn't believe this guy, he sat down beside me on an empty bus with no sort of explanation! So I cleared my throat and asked "Is there something wrong?", he looked at me funny and said "Pardon?", so I repeated louder and more clearly. He answered no in a very long, sarcastic, and even insulting manner, like nooooo, what's wrong with you? kind of feel. So I continued, "Well why are you sitting beside me on an empty bus? Do you always sit here or something?" This time he said "Oh, oh no no no, I just don't like riding alone that's all.

Perfect, I thought, I'm stuck with a socially awkward man who doesn't have a girlfriend obviously. And letting him know that I wasn't gay, I told him "Look, I'm really uncomfortable sitting with someone I don't know." He said "Really? Well, do you like college football then?" I gave him the one eyebrow raise and responded "No, what does that got to do with anything?" He sat up straight in his seat and turned his body toward me in the blink of an eye with a face like he's seen a ghost. He practically yelled "HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!"

There was a moment of silence, and I said "Look pal, there are two very important things that men don't do, we don't sit down beside somebody on the bus we don't know unless there's no choice!" He glared at me and asked "What's the second thing?" I responded "We don't take the urinal right beside someone who's using one." He scratched his head and asked "Why not"

I gave up and went back to Tetris. We were silent until I heard him start to sniff, and he asked "Did you fart?"

Forgetting

Dude: Don't forget to forget about the meeting tomorrow

Stan: Wait...I thought they said the meeting was canceled

Dude: It is, that's why I said don't forget

Stan: Why forget it?

Dude: So that you don't remember

Stan: But I'm not going

Dude: Good, now you're remembering!

Stan: I thought you wanted me to forget

Dude: And you're doing an excellent job

Stan: But if you want me to forget, then how am I going to remember?

Dude: By remembering to forget

Stan:...huh?

Dude: Forget it

"I'm a funny guy, nah I'm just kidding

Why can't a funny man be taken seriously? When you know someone is funny, you automatically laugh at everything he/she says. They say "Hey, can you pass the mustard?", and you begin to laugh non-stop.

On stage we are funny, off stage we're just as boring as any other old fart