Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Gas
It's amazing how many people complain about gas prices when I know so many who give of their's freely
Depressed?
Are you depressed? Well have I got a deal for you! For only $93.75 I will give you my informative guide on how to overcome it! There are programs like eating a tub of ice cream, the silence treatment, and my favorite, dressing up like a goth! You will learn how to use these and other great activities to get you out of the dumps and back to the top where we belong! And if you're not satisfied (*chuckle*), sucker!
I saw an ad for UVSC today (Utah Valley State College), and it said "Proven Fact: UVSC grads make more money" So I thought, make more money than what? Other college grads, telephone repairmen, McDonald's employees, the President of the United States?
Plus they had a hot chick on the advertisement, I've been going to UVSC for over a year now, and I haven't seen a girl like that! Well actually I did, but she was married.
Plus they had a hot chick on the advertisement, I've been going to UVSC for over a year now, and I haven't seen a girl like that! Well actually I did, but she was married.
You got to...!
I have nothing against watching movies, it's great way to waste time that I'm already wasting. But why must people come to me and "You GOT to watch this movie because blah blah blah..." Since when did humankind become dependent on movies? I watch movies to escape, not to get addicted.
I hate it when I finally get sucked in and it turns out to be a HORRIBLE movie (eg. Ghostrider). I was made fun of for years for not watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so I finally bought them and tried to watch them in one sitting. I enjoyed them yes, but the hype surpassed the movie by far, so instead of seeing what everybody else saw (action, adventure, fantasy), I saw gay hobbits who couldn't stop looking at each other for long periods of time. I thought to myself, I got to watch this?
I hate it when I finally get sucked in and it turns out to be a HORRIBLE movie (eg. Ghostrider). I was made fun of for years for not watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so I finally bought them and tried to watch them in one sitting. I enjoyed them yes, but the hype surpassed the movie by far, so instead of seeing what everybody else saw (action, adventure, fantasy), I saw gay hobbits who couldn't stop looking at each other for long periods of time. I thought to myself, I got to watch this?
Saturday, January 26, 2008
When I grow up...
When I grow up I want to be the president! Oh wait, you have to lie cheat and steal to become president, I don't want that. Maybe an astronaut! Hold on, hold on, they have to be pilots and take years of training both mental and physical that could make any normal human go insane. What about those guys who're in real estate? Up from sunrise to sunset begging people to buy your house so that you can eat? No thank you. Hey, what about an actor? Hmm...tabloids, weight perfection, wear what they tell me to wear, psychological damage from missing out of a normal life...ouch, I'll pass. A cop, definitely a cop! Oh yeah, bullies, bullets, bums, and paperwork.
Is there any work available that doesn't require work?
Is there any work available that doesn't require work?
Us Ugly People
TV, news, magazines, internet, and the general public are all telling us that we can only be accepted if we're beautiful and handsome. So those of us who are ugly accept that and we just try to stay at home, not a problem right? WRONG! For those of us who go to school have truant officers after us, and after that we're living on our own so we need to get out and get a job.
Believe us, we're not trying to gain attention, we just want to please everyone. But the hiring manager won't hire us because we're ugly! We can't good grades from the teacher because we're ugly (even though we scored 100% on the test). World, if you really want us to stop showing our ugly faces in public, then keep us in our homes.
The worst thing is when the same TV channel ridicules a celebrity who's gained a few pounds, then talks about how great this one girl is for winning the pretty contest even though she's 100 pounds overweight. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!
Believe us, we're not trying to gain attention, we just want to please everyone. But the hiring manager won't hire us because we're ugly! We can't good grades from the teacher because we're ugly (even though we scored 100% on the test). World, if you really want us to stop showing our ugly faces in public, then keep us in our homes.
The worst thing is when the same TV channel ridicules a celebrity who's gained a few pounds, then talks about how great this one girl is for winning the pretty contest even though she's 100 pounds overweight. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Offense
I've read about racist discriminating people who have no respect. Laws were made to protect the victims from such hate. AWESOME. But the more laws we get, the more offense seems to come out of nowhere. You can't say phrases like "you people...", "girls always...", "I hate people who talk like..." Which is still good to make laws about that, but many times it's innocent.
I find it now SO hard to keep from not offending someone, that you offend them by trying to show them you're not being offensive. "What? There's nothing wrong with you people", "Oh no, I meant that girls DON'T always do that", "I love everybody who talks like...".
Just shoot me
I find it now SO hard to keep from not offending someone, that you offend them by trying to show them you're not being offensive. "What? There's nothing wrong with you people", "Oh no, I meant that girls DON'T always do that", "I love everybody who talks like...".
Just shoot me
Observing
People say you can learn so much by observing other people. So think how much MORE you can learn by observing other people who are observing other people! Next time a Police Car speeds by, observe how many people will stare at it like something incredible is about to happen. When a child screams at her mother, look at everyone else who is staring at the child and her mother, like as if they are going to duke it out like on Ultimate Wrestling Power House Group!
People teach us much, but staring nosy rubberneckers teach us more
People teach us much, but staring nosy rubberneckers teach us more
Obsession
It's no secret that a lot of people will do ANYTHING to make money! It's an obsession. But why don't people have an obsession to make pancakes. They could get up early in the morning and return late at night from making pancakes!
When your wife asks you why you don't spend time with her, say "I'm doing this for you." You would go to your High School Reunion to talk with all your old "buddies" about how many pancakes you make in a day. You could laugh at those who only make a few dozen, and be jealous of Frank Frankson who still has the record of 37,500 pancakes in one day.
News Reports would be all on the guy who went to IHop and stole 4 dozen pancakes, "No suspect has been apprehended yet." We'll hear the heart warming story of Microsoft donating 3 million pancakes to Children with Acne Rejection and Ego issues of Africa (C.A.R.E.).
Then there's the college bachelor, "I can't get a girlfriend until I get pancakes"
When your wife asks you why you don't spend time with her, say "I'm doing this for you." You would go to your High School Reunion to talk with all your old "buddies" about how many pancakes you make in a day. You could laugh at those who only make a few dozen, and be jealous of Frank Frankson who still has the record of 37,500 pancakes in one day.
News Reports would be all on the guy who went to IHop and stole 4 dozen pancakes, "No suspect has been apprehended yet." We'll hear the heart warming story of Microsoft donating 3 million pancakes to Children with Acne Rejection and Ego issues of Africa (C.A.R.E.).
Then there's the college bachelor, "I can't get a girlfriend until I get pancakes"
Bus Privacy
So I was on the bus one day and I was the only passenger. Eventually we picked up another person. I wasn't paying attention because I was focused on the Tetris game on my cell. Our new passenger walked toward me, stopped, then sat down to the seat right next to me.
I got excited, thinking that if someone sat beside me on an empty bus, it had to be someone I knew. I looked up from my very busy (and very important) Tetris game to see who it was. I smiled really big for my welcome speech, but then realized that he was nobody I knew or recognized. He got comfortable, and I scanned him up and down. He looked at me real quick, grinned slightly, then looked forward.
I couldn't believe this guy, he sat down beside me on an empty bus with no sort of explanation! So I cleared my throat and asked "Is there something wrong?", he looked at me funny and said "Pardon?", so I repeated louder and more clearly. He answered no in a very long, sarcastic, and even insulting manner, like nooooo, what's wrong with you? kind of feel. So I continued, "Well why are you sitting beside me on an empty bus? Do you always sit here or something?" This time he said "Oh, oh no no no, I just don't like riding alone that's all.
Perfect, I thought, I'm stuck with a socially awkward man who doesn't have a girlfriend obviously. And letting him know that I wasn't gay, I told him "Look, I'm really uncomfortable sitting with someone I don't know." He said "Really? Well, do you like college football then?" I gave him the one eyebrow raise and responded "No, what does that got to do with anything?" He sat up straight in his seat and turned his body toward me in the blink of an eye with a face like he's seen a ghost. He practically yelled "HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!"
There was a moment of silence, and I said "Look pal, there are two very important things that men don't do, we don't sit down beside somebody on the bus we don't know unless there's no choice!" He glared at me and asked "What's the second thing?" I responded "We don't take the urinal right beside someone who's using one." He scratched his head and asked "Why not"
I gave up and went back to Tetris. We were silent until I heard him start to sniff, and he asked "Did you fart?"
I got excited, thinking that if someone sat beside me on an empty bus, it had to be someone I knew. I looked up from my very busy (and very important) Tetris game to see who it was. I smiled really big for my welcome speech, but then realized that he was nobody I knew or recognized. He got comfortable, and I scanned him up and down. He looked at me real quick, grinned slightly, then looked forward.
I couldn't believe this guy, he sat down beside me on an empty bus with no sort of explanation! So I cleared my throat and asked "Is there something wrong?", he looked at me funny and said "Pardon?", so I repeated louder and more clearly. He answered no in a very long, sarcastic, and even insulting manner, like nooooo, what's wrong with you? kind of feel. So I continued, "Well why are you sitting beside me on an empty bus? Do you always sit here or something?" This time he said "Oh, oh no no no, I just don't like riding alone that's all.
Perfect, I thought, I'm stuck with a socially awkward man who doesn't have a girlfriend obviously. And letting him know that I wasn't gay, I told him "Look, I'm really uncomfortable sitting with someone I don't know." He said "Really? Well, do you like college football then?" I gave him the one eyebrow raise and responded "No, what does that got to do with anything?" He sat up straight in his seat and turned his body toward me in the blink of an eye with a face like he's seen a ghost. He practically yelled "HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!"
There was a moment of silence, and I said "Look pal, there are two very important things that men don't do, we don't sit down beside somebody on the bus we don't know unless there's no choice!" He glared at me and asked "What's the second thing?" I responded "We don't take the urinal right beside someone who's using one." He scratched his head and asked "Why not"
I gave up and went back to Tetris. We were silent until I heard him start to sniff, and he asked "Did you fart?"
Forgetting
Dude: Don't forget to forget about the meeting tomorrow
Stan: Wait...I thought they said the meeting was canceled
Dude: It is, that's why I said don't forget
Stan: Why forget it?
Dude: So that you don't remember
Stan: But I'm not going
Dude: Good, now you're remembering!
Stan: I thought you wanted me to forget
Dude: And you're doing an excellent job
Stan: But if you want me to forget, then how am I going to remember?
Dude: By remembering to forget
Stan:...huh?
Dude: Forget it
Stan: Wait...I thought they said the meeting was canceled
Dude: It is, that's why I said don't forget
Stan: Why forget it?
Dude: So that you don't remember
Stan: But I'm not going
Dude: Good, now you're remembering!
Stan: I thought you wanted me to forget
Dude: And you're doing an excellent job
Stan: But if you want me to forget, then how am I going to remember?
Dude: By remembering to forget
Stan:...huh?
Dude: Forget it
"I'm a funny guy, nah I'm just kidding
Why can't a funny man be taken seriously? When you know someone is funny, you automatically laugh at everything he/she says. They say "Hey, can you pass the mustard?", and you begin to laugh non-stop.
On stage we are funny, off stage we're just as boring as any other old fart
On stage we are funny, off stage we're just as boring as any other old fart
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