You make me sick

A dude at work totally sneezed in my face when we were talking. I was shocked, so I decided to return the "favor". I couldn't sneeze so I let it out the other end instead. Then I punched him

I can't come in to work today

Hey Boss, sorry but I can't come in to work.

What really? Is something wrong?

No not really

Are you sick, is your car not running?

Nah, none of that

Family emergency? Lost keys? What is it!?

Oh well I can't come in because I'm naked

...excuse me?

Yup, naked, I know how you feel about your employees coming to work naked, so I won't

Huh? Stop joking around and get down here

Nudity is not a joke, sir.

I'm not having this conversation with you!

I understand, it's hard for a lot of folks. But hopefully I won't be naked tomorrow and I'll be there for sure!

You're a sick man

Sir, we've been through this, I'm not calling in sick

Truth?

If a Presidential Candidate ever told the truth, would they get elected?

If hands could speak

What would your hands tell you? Are you good to them? Do they have scars?

Perhaps they would tell you to get a manicure? Maybe a massage?

I think mine would tell me leave the garbage industry for good.

Whatever the situation, always remember, your hands could be people too

'SO', my favorite word

The magic word today is SO. It's a two letter, intensifying word! It's amazing how this word changes any word to much higher standard.

For example, I could tell you that I went outside in the rain and got wet, or tell you that I got SO wet.

What good is it to tell you that my date was hot, when I could tell you that she was SO hot!

"Dude, that Metallica concert was worth it!" WHAT!? Don't demean a great concert! Use SO "Dude, that Metallica concert was SO worth it!" That's better

I want to be fired

So far I've had 10 jobs in my life, but I haven't been fired from a single one. Most people I know try to do everything they can to not get fired, I'm just the opposite. I try so hard, I really do! I end up getting those jobs that are so desperate that no matter what you do they brush it off; "Oh you ran a truck into building 3? Ha ha, Jake you're so funny."

What's wrong people?! What does a guy have to do to get fired around here!? It's time that I go on strike, I'll run around with picket signs yelling "WHAT DO I WANT? TO BE FIRED! WHEN DO I WANT IT? HOW BOUT NOW! However knowing my bosses they'll look at me and say, now stop that or we'll write a report on you. Excuse me? I just can't win, or in the case, I just can't lose

Convenience=Problems

Man has tried so hard to filter out every single problem in humans lives. Good job. But by so doing we run into more problems. It seems that life keeps balancing itself out with junk.

We created cars to prevent long distances of walking, but now we got gas prices, insurance, repairs, safety and emissions tests, tire and oil changes, other reckless drivers under alcohol fatigue carelessness or all combined. But hey, we don't have to walk anymore!

Politics, the law used to be 'Every man for himself', but now we have laws to protect and give us equal opportunities. The bad news?...*ahem*...let's just say that I feel safer walking into a New York alley at night than a politician's integrity

A Fine Doctor Indeed

So I went to the doctor today, she was really nice. She listened, she wasn't writing a prescription while I was talking, she told about my diet, and that was it.

I walked out of the room feeling like I finally found a cool doctor.

Well, they gave me my bill and THAT'S when I found out why they were 'special'

A dream of something...different

"When I become poor, I'm shaking the golden dust of my $700 shoes. That's right, it's going to be Microwavable Dinners, and powdered lemonade every night. No more of this sleeping in a bed the size of a car, nope, it's going to be a mattress and a pillow."

"You think you can stop me? Tough, I'll be poorer than you could imagine! I don't care what you or anybody else tells me, I'm going to do this! I'll get me a job shoveling dirt, flipping hamburgers, or be a teacher. I know what I want, and that's that!" Said Bill Gates jr. to his father.

Those Tired Times

Do you ever notice that when you get tired you talk a lot of nonsense? It always starts with uncompleted sentences, such as "Hey did you see that one thing about...?"

Then laughing comes into play, whatever you say becomes 10 times funnier, "Hey guys, I got red socks on my feet! Har ha ha ha ha!!!"

Of course the gibberish takes over next; it's a lot slower, your eyes are barely open, and you can't sit still, "Man, what does a guy have to do to get special soda around here? You know the kind where it ain't too bad, but it's cool, and you drink it and you're like...wow. Yeah, that special soda, from Connecticut."

Finally, you get a mixture of the three, "HA HA HA, your mom eats cow! In fact, she's like a vacuum, she can...ha ha ha! But she didn't because...ha ha ha!"

Well, that's my report on being tired, join me next time when I speak about...*snore*

A tagged Jake in a box

I got tagged by Boocherhix, the challenge is to grap the closest book, open to page 123, and write the 5th sentence. Well, here's mine "What about you? Kay asked." From the God-father

I hereby tag Adam Borg, and the next person to view this blog (but not Boocherhix)

Worst Image

One of the worst images in the world is a full moon! You know what I'm talking about

Heaven and Hell

I hear a lot of people say There's no heaven or hell, I figure they're saying that they know they're not going to heaven so they don't want admit that they're going to hell.

Hey, I can't blame them, hell is a horrible place. A land of darkness, fire and brimstone, old dictators, low budget film makers, politicians, in laws, guys who don't stop with the chicken crossing the road jokes, Ben Affleck, no TV, and the list goes on.

So yeah, if I wasn't going to Heaven I would say there's no heaven or hell. Yeah I said it

Public Notice

Remember kids, this what happens when you don't eat your vegetables

The Late Talk

Boss: Dude...yeah um...you're late again

Dude: You're right I am, thanks for noticing

Boss: You know we've talked about this

Dude: Trust me, no one knows that better than me

Boss: Then what's keeping ya?

Dude: Ha! Wouldn't you like to know!

Boss: I'm serious, if this keeps happening, I'll have to...write a report! I will!

Dude: A report? Wow...that sounds...serious

Boss: Forget it. What are WE going to do to keep this from happening?

Dude: Well I guess I can...hold on, whose we?

Boss: Just answer the question

Dude: You don't live with me! Are you publicly announcing that we're together?

Boss: What are you talking about? I have a husband and kids

Dude: Oh that's just makes it worse! I can't believe you're suggesting this!

Boss: Huh? No I'm just saying...

Dude: I'm reporting you to H.R.!

Boss: No, just pretend I didn't say anything, I don't want any trouble

Dude: ...well, ok. Same time tomorrow then?

Boss: GET OUT!

I love dealerships!

The salesmen at the car dealership are so nice. First of all, they save you the trouble of talking, they do it for you, like; "What you REALLY want is...", "This is the kind of deal you need", and "I can see you're excited about this". Isn't it great? I don't to say a single word there!

Second of all, they don't want your money, they just want you to sign papers! How easy is that? Suckers, I left the lot with a brand new car, and they said no money down and no payments! ...wait, what was that 6 months period thing? And the 10% apr crud? Oh well, it was probably about their family reunion or something

Soap Opera gone...truthful

"So why are you dating me? Is it because I'm rich? Smart? Beautiful?"

"No, actually I'm trying to get closer to your mom"

When worse comes to worse

A bum on the street asked me if I had any money to give him. Well I couldn't lie, so I kicked him in the crotch and ran for it

Your Stupidity, My Reality

Next time someone tells you to stop doing something because your not doing it right, tell them that you're the ONLY one doing it right

It's not my fault

Don't hate me! All I did was drink your soda...then spilled it on your couch...so I tried to clean it off, but I ACCIDENTLY mixed up the fabric cleaner with bleach. But I promise I went a store to see if they could fix it, but I didn't see that car coming, and well the couch was destroyed, but I'm fine (in case you were wondering). So this is is the truth, I went to a furniture store to find you a new couch, but it was too far so I HAD to borrow your car, it was just going to be an hour. But I ran a red light, ON ACCIDENT, and that cop saw me. I panicked, I wasn't thinking straight, I have a ton of unpaid tickets, so I knew they would have arrested me. Oh don't look at me like that, the chase didn't last that long, but I had to ditch the car, although they found it, saw that it was your car, but HEY, it's not my fault they arrested you, just because it was your car. Hey, they found out you were innocent, and I told you I would pay the holding fee for your car...although I didn't know that I had your credit card, I'll you back I promise! And I already said that I'd be going on a date that night, so you had to have known that I was going to use your car again. But I promise that I did NOT see that black Honda, it was dark out! So what, I totaled your car! It's not my fault! Besides, I didn't know I was dating your mom!