You make me sick

A dude at work totally sneezed in my face when we were talking. I was shocked, so I decided to return the "favor". I couldn't sneeze so I let it out the other end instead. Then I punched him

I can't come in to work today

Hey Boss, sorry but I can't come in to work.

What really? Is something wrong?

No not really

Are you sick, is your car not running?

Nah, none of that

Family emergency? Lost keys? What is it!?

Oh well I can't come in because I'm naked

...excuse me?

Yup, naked, I know how you feel about your employees coming to work naked, so I won't

Huh? Stop joking around and get down here

Nudity is not a joke, sir.

I'm not having this conversation with you!

I understand, it's hard for a lot of folks. But hopefully I won't be naked tomorrow and I'll be there for sure!

You're a sick man

Sir, we've been through this, I'm not calling in sick

Truth?

If a Presidential Candidate ever told the truth, would they get elected?

If hands could speak

What would your hands tell you? Are you good to them? Do they have scars?

Perhaps they would tell you to get a manicure? Maybe a massage?

I think mine would tell me leave the garbage industry for good.

Whatever the situation, always remember, your hands could be people too

'SO', my favorite word

The magic word today is SO. It's a two letter, intensifying word! It's amazing how this word changes any word to much higher standard.

For example, I could tell you that I went outside in the rain and got wet, or tell you that I got SO wet.

What good is it to tell you that my date was hot, when I could tell you that she was SO hot!

"Dude, that Metallica concert was worth it!" WHAT!? Don't demean a great concert! Use SO "Dude, that Metallica concert was SO worth it!" That's better

I want to be fired

So far I've had 10 jobs in my life, but I haven't been fired from a single one. Most people I know try to do everything they can to not get fired, I'm just the opposite. I try so hard, I really do! I end up getting those jobs that are so desperate that no matter what you do they brush it off; "Oh you ran a truck into building 3? Ha ha, Jake you're so funny."

What's wrong people?! What does a guy have to do to get fired around here!? It's time that I go on strike, I'll run around with picket signs yelling "WHAT DO I WANT? TO BE FIRED! WHEN DO I WANT IT? HOW BOUT NOW! However knowing my bosses they'll look at me and say, now stop that or we'll write a report on you. Excuse me? I just can't win, or in the case, I just can't lose

Convenience=Problems

Man has tried so hard to filter out every single problem in humans lives. Good job. But by so doing we run into more problems. It seems that life keeps balancing itself out with junk.

We created cars to prevent long distances of walking, but now we got gas prices, insurance, repairs, safety and emissions tests, tire and oil changes, other reckless drivers under alcohol fatigue carelessness or all combined. But hey, we don't have to walk anymore!

Politics, the law used to be 'Every man for himself', but now we have laws to protect and give us equal opportunities. The bad news?...*ahem*...let's just say that I feel safer walking into a New York alley at night than a politician's integrity